From Fundamentalism to Freedom: A Journey of Hope

I couldn't breathe. Not just spiritually, but literally - the asthma attack gripping my lungs was a physical manifestation of the suffocation I felt in the cult.

That night, gasping for air in a house with a cat I was allergic to, became my moment of clarity.

Sometimes, our bodies know the truth before our minds catch up.

The Price of Certainty

I was twenty-three when I entered what I now know was a cult, though none of us called it that at the time. Like many others, I was searching for certainty, for a clear path to becoming who I thought God wanted me to be.

The church offered what seemed like a perfect solution: their "live-in" program, where church members would become your spiritual parents, guiding your daily life toward Christ-like perfection. What I didn't understand then was how this desire for certainty would slowly strip away my autonomy. Each decision - from what movie to watch to where to live - required approval. Each day ended with written confessions of sin to my "live-in parents."

My asthma attacks were interpreted as signs of spiritual failing, and sometimes, confessing my sins would actually break an attack. Looking back, I see how this reinforced a cycle of control and shame.

When Bodies Speak Truth

That final night, using my inhaler every five minutes instead of the prescribed every four hours, my body was screaming what my mind had been whispering: this isn't right. This isn't love. This isn't God. I packed a bag and walked out. No dramatic confrontation, no theological debate - just the simple act of choosing to breathe.

It would take years to understand that this physical act of self-preservation was also a profound spiritual statement: God's love doesn't require us to suffocate.

Finding New Air to Breathe

The journey from that night to today hasn't been linear. Depression, my constant companion since childhood, didn't magically disappear with my exit from the cult. But something fundamental shifted in how I approached both my mental health and my spirituality. I began to understand that questioning isn't the opposite of faith - it's often the path to a deeper, more authentic connection with what I now call Holy Mystery.

Through years of study at Colgate Rochester Crozer Divinity School and One Spirit Learning Alliance, I discovered that theology could be liberating rather than constraining. I found that God - or Holy Mystery as I prefer to say - is not a divine taskmaster demanding perfection, but rather the very breath of life itself, present in our questions as much as our certainties.

Building a Different Kind of Faith

Today, my faith looks nothing like what I once thought it should. It's not a rigid structure of beliefs but a flowing river of experience. It's not about having all the right answers but about being present with the questions.

Most importantly, it's not about striving for an impossible perfection but about embracing our whole selves - shadows, doubts, and all. I've learned that sometimes the most sacred act is simply to breathe. To trust that the divine is present in each inhale and exhale. To know that our bodies, our doubts, our questions - all of it is held in a love bigger than any system or structure could contain.

The Journey Forward

For those of you still in the midst of your own faith deconstruction, know this: there is life on the other side of certainty. There is breath beyond the suffocation. There is a way to honor your spiritual longings without sacrificing your authenticity or autonomy.

Your journey won't look exactly like mine - it shouldn't. But perhaps in sharing our stories, we create more space for others to breathe, to question, to explore. Perhaps in naming our experiences, we help light the way for those still finding their path.

Today, I breathe freely. Not because I have all the answers, but because I've learned to be comfortable with the questions. This is what freedom feels like - not the absence of doubt, but the presence of grace.

Join me on this journey of discovery.

Sign up for my newsletter for exclusive content and community support. And if you're ready to dive deeper, my books "Longing for Intimacy" and inspirational card deck,"Musings on Grace," explore these themes through poetry, prayer, and daily practices for connecting with Holy Mystery in new ways.